Defense mechanisms and relationships

Defense is a primitive mechanism to preserve homeostasis—stability. It is part of the renowned freeze, flight, fight response to stressors and threats around us in everyday life. Defense mechanisms are not only physical—reserved for when there is a physical threat in the environment we happen to be in. There are also psychological defense mechanisms, which play at their best in relationships, a much more common source of defense needs compared to physical defenses, which are much less needed today in the wide majority of Western World society.

Defense mechanisms seemingly aim at keeping stability within us. The child self may feel threatened by the possible cruelty of words, actions, behaviors of the other vulnerable individuals around us. Psychological defense mechanisms arise when psychological tension surges. Tension is an underlying sensation you may perceive around your throat, chest cavity, or naval area. You may sense your jaw clenching, your eyes squishing, your teeth pressing against each other from top to bottom.

There are a few well-recognized defense mechanisms (Anya, 2021):

1. Displacement

The act of displacing frustration or other feelings on an individual who is not the source of them. The receiver of our displacement is often someone we are comfortable with (e.g. frustrated with work-related issues, and displacing them at home with partner).

2. Disassociation

Removing yourself from the present situation in your headspace. This can happen when there is a strong unplanned emotional reaction to a situation, and the only seemingly possible thing to do is to disconnect from reality and enter a world that does not match the current reality, where to find temporary comfort.

3. Projection

Projecting past frustration and negative energy on other individuals in order to “make things even.” As if there was a football match to play throughout your life and you are keeping score of it. Projecting allows you to avoid the seeming burden of responsibility for your own shortcomings.

4. Splitting

Similar to perfectionism and dichotomous thinking, splitting means seeing things as either perfect or awful. No nuances between those extremes. Extremes are dangerous because they do not leave any space for acceptance and contentment.

5. Repression

Repression is intently stopping an urge to enact a behavior or speak something out loud because seemingly inappropriate for the circumstances. It is an inherent part of society because there are many unspoken norms and customs we all implement every day to keep balance (such as not walking naked in public even if it is a hot summer day).

6. Denial

Pushing information and sensory stimuli away from you in order to not deal with the truth as it is. Denial is an active refusal of circumstances, as opposed to disassociation, which is more passive.

7. Sublimation

Channeling all the negative energy into a specific activity. This is very common among high achievers. This can be a positive defense mechanism in life for some people. Pushing it too far may lead to a frustrated and miserable emotional life.

Defense mechanisms are part of the Ego as it seeks to cling to your current identity and disdains variations from the mean. There are no prescriptions for avoiding defense mechanisms; they are an inherent part of your persona. There is awareness of them, which one can cultivate by observing carefully the circumstances around oneself. Then let go and take life with lightheartedness, because conflict can arise from relationships, and it is your responsibility to see through the fog of momentary primitive reactions and cross the river with the higher self.