On competing commitments and big underlying beliefs that get you stuck

Very often, we are prisoners of our own minds, stuck to our big assumptions about life, work, and other people. This resistance to change may come from competing commitments and elephants in the brain. Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey write about competing commitments in their HBR article "The Real Reason People Won't Change," defining them as subconscious, hidden goals that conflict with our stated obligations.

In our social existence, whether in personal relationships or the workplace, we sometimes lose track of our authentic selves or neglect them entirely. Our true inner motives, whether hidden or not, still exist somewhere in the background, leading our actions, especially in tough times. We may behave in specific ways or resist change because of inner friction that we can sense and are deeply aware of, but cannot seem to let go of in conscious acceptance.

Competing commitments are our own personal, hidden motives in everyday life, grounded in big assumptions — "deeply rooted beliefs about ourselves and the world around us" (Kegan & Lahey, 2001). We encounter competing commitments whenever cognitive dissonance is at play, which is any incompatibility between our behaviors and thoughts (or attitudes). We may believe that eating whole, fresh food is healthy and better for improving our well-being, but not eat such food regularly. To feel better about this dissonance, we may rationalize possible reasons why we don't "walk our talk."

For example, you may agree that having a strong group of close friends is crucial for living a meaningful life as a human being. Yet, you don’t have a close group of friends, or it’s been years since you last had one. You don’t make an effort to keep in touch with others, despite your superficial belief seemingly implying the relevance of such action. The topic may make you feel discomfort when you think or speak about it. When you inquire within to unveil the root cause of your behavior, you find out that your competing commitment is getting in the way: you have come far in life alone and gained status and money in the workplace for your conscientiousness and diligence. You identify with that. And you believe, deep down, that having a group of friends would prevent you from keeping that identity because friendships take time and effort to nurture, and such commitment will certainly make you become a failure at work. It would change your identity for the worse, wouldn’t it? “Maybe so, maybe not, we’ll see”, as a meditation teacher may assert. You will not find out if you don’t try. You won’t try if you don’t drop the competing commitment and realize your finitude.

Kegan and Lahey provide a framework for uncovering competing commitments, particularly in the workplace. The framework is composed of five questions aimed at sparking deep reflection:

1. What would you like to see changed at work (or life), so that you could be more effective, or so that work/life would be more satisfying? — usually, the answer results in a complaint about something or someone.
2. What commitments does your complaint imply? (e.g. "A line manager we’ll call Mary lamented people’s unwillingness to speak up at meetings; her complaint implied a commitment to shared decision-making").
3. What are you doing, or not doing, that is keeping your commitment from being more fully realized?
4. If you imagine doing the opposite of the undermining behavior, do you detect in yourself any discomfort, worry, or vague fear?
5. By engaging in this undermining behavior, what worrisome outcome are you committed to preventing? — The resulting answer is the competing commitment, which lies at the very heart of a person’s immunity to change.

Shedding light on our own competing commitments may not be sufficient to eradicate them if they prevent us from exploring our full potential. Questioning the deep reasons for their existence in the first place is essential. Noticing our big assumptions, keeping conscious and consistent track of our emotional reactions and behaviors, and looking for contrary evidence against our big assumptions are pivotal efforts required for neuroplasticity to occur. Competing commitments are not weaknesses, according to the authors; they represent some version of self-protection, a perfectly natural and reasonable human impulse (Kegan & Lahey, 2001).