Questions from the coaching habit

In “The coaching habit”, author Michael Bungay Stanier provides a framework and specific questions that you can ponder when seeking deeper conversations and cut through the noise of small talk, with particular relevance in the work environment.

According to Stanier, questions are what differentiates coaching from mere management, in the context of work for example. The coaching habit is about focusing on questions that can touch the core of the issues and situation at hand, either for practical reasons (to resolve a problem), or developmental ones (to increase awareness and skills in the other person).

Therefore, the role of a coach conceptualized in this manner is akin to that of a psychotherapist who receives the person in front of him with full-body attention, not merely to sympathize with their situation, but particularly to remove barriers, point out cognitive distortions, and help the interlocutor to arrive at their solutions through well-calibrated questions that have useful meaning. Seeking truth instead of pleasing.

The habit of switching to “questions mode” may not be natural for the average person or manager, with the common perceived time restrictions and emotional closure to turn into problem-solving mode instead of coaching mode.

Such a tendency may be counterproductive for you because you may prevent people around you from developing fundamental abilities to come to their conclusions and take responsibility, a practice that can significantly increase the propensity to accept change and conceptualize it positively.

The coaching questions that Stanier presents in his book are the following:

1. “What’s on your mind?” - this question is great for starting conversations and facilitating the discussion of the core challenges or situations the other person is experiencing. You may ask this question, instead of “How are you”?
2. “And what else?” - this question aims to provide more options because more options (up to a certain extent) can lead to better insights, which in turn foster better decisions. It is a question that leans on the assumption that the other person has more thoughts in their mind that have not been articulated yet, and this is very important to reach the core truth of the matter.
3. “What’s the real challenge here for you?” - after the first two questions, there may be many options and perspectives on the proverbial table. This question allows you to narrow down the scope of challenges to pick the real problem rather than any of the many problems articulated. This is a way to slow down the conversation at a critical point and not rush to conclusions, because you may have not found out the core issue yet. As Stanier outlines, adding “for you” at the end of a question is a great tactic to make the conversation more development-focused, allowing the speaker to dig into personal insights even more deeply.
4. “What do you want?” - Once the core problem has been identified and brought to life through words, you can ask this question to uncover the desire of the other person; the way they would like the problem to be solved. Deep down, they know what they want, even though it may appear socially awkward or undesirable on the surface. The key is to allow the space to resurface the real desire in its authentic form.
5. “How can I help?” - As the desire has been identified, you can genuinely ask how you can help the other person achieve their desire. This forces them to be concise and think about whether they need your help, and if so, in what specific way. It forces reflection before jumping into the advice trap, hence allowing you to take time, listen, and provide help in the form requested to the extent feasible for you.
6. “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” - this is a question for you more than the other person asking for help. It is a way to ensure you do not overcommit and underdeliver on your promises to help others. This question leans on the premise that saying “yes” to something is saying “no” to many other things. With this question in mind, you can ask additional pointed queries to the other person to understand whom they have already asked, how urgent this is, what they would like you to focus on specifically, and what they think you should let go of to take on this responsibility.
7. “What was most useful for you?” - this is the final question to reflect on one or two key lessons or insights from the conversation you just had. This helps make the learning stick in memory and fosters self-reflection in both you and the other person.