Shoulds

One of the things you discover when exploring psychological work, particularly focused on the individual, is the cognitive biases and distortions we all fabricate throughout our lives. One element that distinguishes those who live a peaceful and fulfilling life is that they can see through, allow, and drop resistance to all the thoughts we manufacture.

One important cognitive distortion is "shoulds." You know how you tell yourself or others "you should…," or "I should really…." One fundamental issue with "should" is that it lacks a purpose that you actually care about or understand. If you cared about it or understood the purpose of what you "should" do, you would want to do it or not even think about it intellectually.

When you "should" yourself into doing something, the action is empty. You begin and start empty-handed, each time anew. If you tell yourself or others that you should do something but you don't because [insert reason], it's unclear why you should do it. The rational explanation is often a generic statement you may have heard somewhere else out there. Such as "I should move more because it's good for me, but I don't have enough time and I never seem to get started."

There is unclarity and a lack of full honesty. If you do something, it's because you want to do that thing. Even with seeming "obligations," you actually want to do them if you look deep enough. Paying taxes, for example — you decide/want to do it because you want to live a harmonious life without going to prison or getting fined thousands of dollars, or whatever other story you have. The underlying impulse/desire is clear and strong enough for you to the degree that it drives you to take action.

Everything we do has an underlying want or impulse at its core. When you see something as an obligation, you rationalize because of pleasure anxiety — you fear pleasure and tranquility. You fear pleasure, and so you place shoulds (obligations) on top of the fundamental impulse underlying the action.

The bad news is that this means there is nothing you should or shouldn't do. The good news is that there is anything you could or couldn't do.

The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute.

The good news is, there is no ground.

— Chogyam Trungpa

Source of inspiration for the concepts: Joe Hudson