The Correct State of Mind to Give and Get Feedback
Feedback appears to be an overused term, especially in the business world. I noticed this in my business studies and experience in the real business world. "Feedback" is often used in an empty manner to signal the implementation of the belief that we are all on a path to self-improvement. Without an intentional meaning attached to it. I believe there is more to it.
When you use a term in the wrong way for too long, it loses its identity, just like you would lose yours if a surprisingly big group of people began running toward you relentlessly with axes and fire held in their hands. What did I do wrong? What am I?--you may begin inquiring yourself.
According to the Oxford dictionary, feedback is "information about reactions to a product, a person's performance of a task, etc. which is used as a basis for improvement." I will use this definition of feedback when using the word throughout this essay. Notice how the definition of feedback is composed of two parts: "information about reactions", and "used as a basis for improvement". Both components are essential in our analysis because the art of giving and receiving valuable feedback requires both elements to be done right.
I have noticed times and again that individuals or groups ask for feedback without meaning to get feedback. Asking for feedback has become a Pavlovian reflex similar to saying "I'm fine" to the question "how are you?".
Feedback can feel momentarily painful like falling down a 5-story building--but in a different way. That's especially the case if you haven't internalized the philosophical and psychological meaning of providing or receiving candid feedback. It can be the catalyst for growth. Or the opportunity for your confirmation bias to gain a bit more momentum.
There is a conspicuous implication powering the concept of "feedback": seeking self--or group--improvement. In order to seek such an improvement, you need to be in the correct state of mind. And the state of mind you need to be in varies based on whether you are providing or receiving feedback. I have been thinking about some key principles one can follow to remove the dumbed-down definition we have of feedback and get back to the first principle.
The Correct State of Mind to Give Feedback
When you give feedback, there are some mindsets you may consider internalizing and implementing to enable the receiver to maximize their growth from your feedback.
1. To provide feedback, you need to have something to say. If you have nothing to say, consider staying silent, or taking some time to collect your thoughts and feelings before providing feedback.
2. When providing feedback--especially if asked--be candidly honest about your thoughts and feelings. Your objective is to facilitate the growth of the other human being you are interacting with. Growth doesn't happen in the comfort of being coddled. If the person asked for feedback--take that request literally in the meaning of the word feedback (see above). Don't fear upsetting the other person. They need to be in the correct state of mind to receive feedback too.
3. When giving feedback, you may use a structure that goes like this: "When thinking about your behavior/performance about [...], I noticed [...objective statement]. This made me feel [...] because my experience has taught me that [...]. The way I would improve this is through [...].
4. Be as specific as you can be. Sharing your considerations with the feedback receiver is a gift for them. Make the most out of this opportunity. Provide a huge human gift to the receiver. Don't half-ass it. Don't polish your feedback to be politically correct. There is enough of that and we don't need more. Take responsibility for every word you say because you must profoundly mean it.
5. Do not expect anything in return for giving feedback. You are providing a gift, and gifts don't need to be exchanged for something by definition. You are donating your goodwill, experience, intellect, and wisdom for the development of another human being. If you do this well enough, you can impact lives. And that's your reward right there.
The Correct State of Mind to Receive Feedback
1. Only ask for feedback if you mean it and are ready for it. Being able to genuinely ask for and receive feedback is an interpersonal skill you can foster. It requires a deep inquiry within yourself. Don't ask for feedback unless you are ready to soak it in--all of it. You can also start asking for feedback when you are not completely ready for it so that you expose yourself to the loss of self early on.
Before asking for any feedback, it is crucial that you internalize the state of mind to get feedback: completely open to listening, radically unjaded to criticism, and accepting of what's received. When you enter such a state of mind, then you may ask for feedback, open up, listen carefully, and follow the remaining principles below.
2. If you didn't ask for feedback, that's still a gift you're receiving. Ascend into the correct state of mind to grow instantly. Sometimes you may receive feedback or comments from people close to you without you asking for feedback.
On such an occasion, observe your emotional reaction that may arise in the immediate, and let go of it just as immediately. If you incorporate the knowledge that feedback is a gift, it will be easier for you to drop into attentive listening and open-mindedness quickly.
3. The correct state of mind to receive feedback to grow is to drop into full presence and shutter your mind-made barriers to the self. I explained this already in point #1, but believe it's worth re-stating it in a separate point of its own.
4. Don't incorporate all the feedback you receive. Some feedback doesn't deserve to be incorporated. Giving feedback is a skill too, and not many people cultivate it deeply enough to be able to provide true value. Discerning valuable from non-valuable feedback is a skill as well--just as much as the ability to drop the ego and listen attentively.
Often, people providing feedback did not think deeply enough about what to say and will provide socially desirable feedback to you merely to fill the gap. Be able to identify such a scenario, and then only keep the most valuable 1% of what they said as a growth point. 1% is still more valuable than nothing, in your journey to becoming a person.
5. If you notice something particularly valuable about the feedback you received, let the feedback giver know passionately. They are also clueless, and some direction can help them profoundly. Reciprocity is one of the fundamental social mechanisms at the basis of human interactions within a functioning society.
Show appreciation to the feedback giver in some way. Say thank you, and mean it. You know what it feels like to give valuable feedback and how hard it is. If you get the chance to get valuable feedback, show appreciation and let the person know because they are just as clueless as you in human behavior and life.
Feedback, whether on the giver or receiver side, requires you to drop into the appropriate state of mind. If you are providing feedback, pick radical candor over social desirability. If you are on the receiving side, choose attentive listening and radical open-heartedness because do not forget that you are--and will always be--on a journey to becoming an integrated human being. Don't let the ego get in the way.
