Uncomplicated Relationships and Radical Honesty

Psychology
Written By Simone Smerilli

I noticed the best way to have a solid, authentic, well-functioning relationship with another human is to assume what you say to each other is 100% true, 100% of the time. If you find yourself having to calculate your words or actions to convey a specific message or feeling, you may be deceiving yourself and your partner/friend by partaking in status/political games.

Status/political games are short-term, tactics-based. You are “playing” such games when you adjust your behavior/words in the attempt to achieve a calculated outcome to get something out of the situation. For example, you may believe that you get the psychological upper hand in a relationship if you spread your body language like a politician during a public interview when you are speaking with your partner/friend.

If that doesn’t come naturally to you, you are forcing yourself to behave in a certain way merely to fulfill your competing commitment. You are not being radically honest. There are more “formal” life situations when you may benefit from paying attention to your posture and word selection (e.g., legal negotiations).

By committing to telling each other the most appropriate and honest truth, you remove a ton of cognitive load on you and your friend (from now on, I’ll use the word “friend” also to signify “romantic partner”). So that you don’t need to decode what “they actually mean” and can focus on listening carefully and then executing what you say you’d do, with the deep knowledge that what you and your friend say is your truth at that point.

In an uncomplicated relationship, you and your friend know exactly what you want and believe, are ok with not knowing sometimes, and are articulate enough to explain what you desire without any faceless mask (layers of social approvals and childhood habits resurfacing in your behaviors). You are integrated individuals who can be by themselves and prefer to be together instead. You are mature enough to have a secure attachment style.

You may feel uneasy about the thought of losing the person you have a relationship with. You fear they may get angry, frustrated, emotionally hurt, jaded, or rigid like a dead body if you commit to being radically (and gently) honest. In the best-case scenario relationship, all of that is gotten rid of. You and your friend have gone through enough introspection and self-inquiry to get rid of those distorted thoughts and beliefs. You are integrated individuals to a point that you are ok with remaining alone because you have spent enough time with yourself.

You don’t fear “losing” the other person because you understand that human relationships are fleeting like a thread sitting as a bridge between two mountain tops 20 feet apart. You don’t fear “losing” your face or the other person because you understand that if the other individual is put off by your radical truth and can’t handle this truth-based relationship, then you are happy to let go of them. Because staying would mean establishing a complicated relationship not based on radical honesty.

An uncomplicated relationship is not cognitively demanding because you don’t need to spend all of that effort in trying to decode what “they actually mean”. If you ask the person what they think about the new t-shirt you bought and they tell you they don’t like it and would have never bought it, you are fine with that because you know that what makes humans unique is our twisted preferences and attitudes.

And the other person will still love you without any doubt because they understand that your individuality and life satisfaction are more important than their opinion at that point in time. So you are both ok with that interaction and keep moving on with life, investing cognitive effort in those things that actually matter.

On the flip side, disagreeing too often may be a hindrance to an uncomplicated relationship. Committing to radical honesty is helpful because you can discover your disagreements more quickly than in a state-of-the-art relationship. You can spot them early on, and decide to let go of each other if such disagreements are excessive for a long-term friendship.

Being radically honest and self-aware can also be the antidote to the four horsemen of the apocalypse (Gottman, 2013): criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These four toxic ingredients are the source of suffering in romantic relationships, according to dr. Gottman’s long-lasting research on the topic. When you are radically honest, you are also capable of descending into hell for the necessary amount of time to embrace the vulnerability of candid conversations, especially when it feels extremely uncomfortable and you’d rather avoid instead of lean into it.

So, committing to radical honesty is one of the necessary components of an examined life. Relationships are very important for us humans, and the more uncomplicated, the better. You are also heavily influenced by the closest people around you. And living a good life means picking whom—and what—you want to be influenced by carefully. Starting with “radically honest and self-aware individuals” may be a great choice, I posit.

To get weekly updates right to your inbox, sign up here.

 

RESOURCES

Simone Smerilli
Previous

Why You May Feel Like Having Different Personalities Based on the Language You Speak
Next

Understanding Attachment Styles Can Improve Your Relationships