The Coaching Habit - Book Summary
When you are in a leadership position, be it at your job or personal life, you have accumulated the necessary leverage over time that has made you rise to a level akin to a psychotherapeutic relationship as traditionally conceptualized by Freud. A relationship where the psychotherapist is “one-up” and teaches the patient how to be “one-up” by showing how to be “one-up”. Therefore, one important role of a leader is to raise everyone around them, by making people more resilient and helping them unlock the answers that are already within them, covered by the accumulated dust of social norms and distorted beliefs throughout life.
The coaching habit is about asking questions that cut through the noise of daily conversations and reach through the core insights that the people around you truly need. It is about not jumping to conclusions and giving advice, but staying curious and asking questions that help people find the answers themselves. This mindset is not applicable in every situation (for example, even when there is a crisis that requires immediate action), but it is a general heuristic on how to approach conversations with people at your organization, family, or friends circle many times, replacing the old habit of giving advice with the new habit of asking open questions that foster reflection and allow people to uncover the answers already present within them.
The fundamental coaching questions
In the book, author Michael Bungay Stanier presents seven fundamental questions that form the basis of the coaching habit. Each question has a clear purpose and is a portal to insight when asked with curiosity to know the real answers and open-mindedness to accept any answers.
“What’s on your mind?” - this question is great for starting conversations and facilitating the discussion of the core challenges or situations the other person is experiencing. According to Stanier, a challenge is typically due to a person, a project, or a behavioral pattern one would like to change. The latter type of challenge is usually the most conducive to developmental conversations.
“And what else?” - this question aims to provide more options because more options (up to a certain extent) can lead to better insights, which in turn foster better decisions. It is a question that leans on the assumption that the other person has more thoughts in their mind that have not been articulated yet, and this is very important to reach the core truth of the matter.
“What’s the real challenge here for you?” - after the first two questions, there may be many options and perspectives on the proverbial table. This question allows you to narrow down the scope of challenges to pick the real problem rather than any of the many problems articulated. This is a way to slow down the conversation at a critical point and not rush to conclusions, because you may have not found out the core issue yet. Adding “for you” at the end of a question, as Stanier outlines, is a great tactic to make the conversation more development-focused, allowing the speaker to dig into personal insights even more deeply.
“What do you want?” - Once the core problem has been identified and brought to life through words, you can ask this question to uncover the desire of the other person; the way they would like the problem to be solved. Deep down, they know what they want, even though it may appear socially awkward or undesirable on the surface. The key is to allow the space to resurface the real desire in its authentic form.
“How can I help?” - As the desire has been identified, you can genuinely ask how you can help the other person achieve their desire. This forces them to be concise and think about whether they actually need your help, and if so, in what specific way. It forces reflection before jumping into the advice trap, hence allowing you to take time, listen, and provide help in the form requested to the extent feasible for you.
“If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” - this is a question for you more than the other person asking for help. It is a way to ensure you do not overcommit and underdeliver on your promises to help others. This question leans on the premise that saying “yes” to something is saying “no” to many other things. With this question in mind, you can ask additional pointed queries to the other person in order to understand whom they have already asked, how urgent this is, what they would like you to focus on specifically, and what they think you should let go of in order to take on this responsibility.
“What was most useful for you?” - this is the final question to reflect on one or two key lessons or insights from the conversation you just had. This helps make the learning stick in memory and fosters self-reflection in both you and the other person.
"The Coaching Habit" by Michael Bungay Stanier offers valuable insight into fostering growth and development, not by dispensing advice, but by asking insightful questions. The seven fundamental questions act as keys to unlocking the potential within individuals, allowing them to find their own solutions. The power of this practical approach lies in its simplicity and focus on self-discovery. As a leader, embracing this habit equips you with the ability to guide others towards their own insights, fostering autonomy and resilience. It's a transformative method that moves beyond surface-level issues, penetrating to the heart of the challenges faced. This is not just a book for leaders, it's a guide for anyone who believes in the power of questions and the potential of individuals to become their own solution-finders.
