Can you be happy(er)? A guide to a heightened sense of happiness
It is just another day. You wake up and follow the usual daily rituals, in the same environment, with the same patterns and order of actions. You have been doing this for a few years now, and every activity blends as you progress through your day feeling a sense of psychological detachment from reality, waiting for the next routine action to arise while forgetting that you are doing something else at this very moment. The brain wanders off the same thought patterns it has sharply crafted over many years, and you feel completely identified with those customary, cozy thoughts and feelings. You have come to believe this is your life, all the while also reflecting on how you may cultivate a deeper sense of well-being and satisfaction.
One day, while watching the television, you hear someone speak about what you lightly thought about lately - Arthur Brooks references research on happiness and Eastern philosophies while exploring avenues for achieving a greater sense of life satisfaction for humans. You discern curiosity in the topic, which feels very close to you at this moment. Your research and deep dive into happiness and life satisfaction starts, and you commit to it with conviction — you pride yourself in being a good reader and researcher of information when you put your mind to it.
1. Why seek life satisfaction
“Socially, we’re told, “Go work out. Go look good.” That’s a multi player competitive game. Other people can see if I’m doing a good job or not. We’re told, “Go make money. Go buy a big house.” Again, external multiplayer competitive game. Training yourself to be happy is completely internal. There is no external progress, no external validation. You’re competing against yourself—it is a single-player game.”
In Eastern philosophies, unsatisfactoriness—a sense of existential and practical discomfort in everyday life—is considered an inherent part of the human condition, within each of us. Much of the suffering we experience is manufactured by our distorted thoughts, trying to help us make sense of the circumstances around us. In this line of thought, each of us ultimately seeks to remove this sense of constant unsatisfactoriness, attempting to do it in different ways.
For some, it is accumulating possessions to feel a greater sense of value in society. For others, it is seeking pleasure that removes thoughts for some time each day. Some people find temporary refuge in meditation practice or other spiritual practices. Everyone is ultimately doing their best to fill the void of unsatisfactoriness with what they have.
The pathway to seeking a greater sense of fulfillment usually manifests itself in the pursuit of one (or more) of the four idols: money, power, fame, and pleasure. Many of us tend to cling to one or more of the four idols for a major part of our lives, sometimes also switching among idols depending on the circumstances and life season.
Many times, we experience a gap between our expectations of what can happen and the reality of the situation. We partake in wishful thinking and hope for the best, fearing that we are not capable of handling the outcomes of our everyday decisions and actions. That is the expectations gap, and according to Nat Ware, it is one of the pivotal sources of unhappiness in humans. We publish the article with the expectation that many people will read and love it, only to find out that no one cares and you are the same as before and have not increased your degree of fame (one of the four idols). We treat another person with kindness with the implicit expectation that they will reciprocate soon after, feeling disappointed and bruised when such a thing does not happen.
As one of the Stoics pillars goes, some things are within our control, some are not. Unhappiness stems from trying to control the things that are not within our control. Setting expectations on the actions of others or outcomes of situations that do not depend solely on our own doing is a foolish practice carried out only by those who intend to enhance their suffering.
One common thread among these theories of the source of unsatisfactoriness is the tendency within each of us to attach our sense of self to external circumstances and people. One universal theory to resolve such a tendency is the practice of surrender, rooted in Eastern spiritual philosophies. The same surrender to the flow of life’s events is highlighted in the book The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer, where we completely let go of attachment to what is out there and we focus all our energy on what is in here, within each of us, primarily focusing on our well-being before offering it wholly in service of others with no strings attached. This approach to life, when truly internalized and practiced, can unlock a glowing, overwhelming sense of well-being and abundance, bringing perspective into the daily life dynamics.
At the societal level, when each individual is satisfied and experiencing positive affect most of the time, society benefits because each person can help others in the world with full conviction and no secondary aims attached to their actions. Overt relationships where what one says and does is actually what one intends to say and do, putting one’s well-being and integrity first.
2. What is life satisfaction
We have defined that life satisfaction and happiness levels can be increased within each of us through some practical mindset switches. Now it is time to define life satisfaction and happiness so we can aim in the correct direction without missing the mark too often. Knowing the direction makes the path more clear.
Life satisfaction can be defined as “haves” divided by “wants”, according to Arthur Brooks. Haves are the things (physical or otherwise) that you possess. Wants are the things (physical or otherwise) that you desire.
As in any equation, you can increase the result in either of two ways: (1) increase the nominator (”haves”), or (2) decrease the denominator (”wants”). Except this life satisfaction division has one major complication you need to consider: every time you increase the nominator by one point, the denominator increases to the same extent, which effectively renders your efforts vain.
This is due to hedonic adaptation, or the inherent tendency within each of us to quickly adapt to achievements/possessions, always seeking more, in a race that resembles a hamster running on a wheel, unaware of its stationary position despite all the effort. The hamster may be okay with its situation because of its smaller and less developed pre-frontal cortex compared to humans. You may feel a constant sense of unsatisfactoriness due to the constant thoughts arising in your consciousness typical of the human condition.
Before dissecting some specific tactics to develop a greater sense of gratitude for what you have and decrease your “wants”, let’s establish that life satisfaction as defined by Professor Brooks is only one of the macronutrients (i.e., fundamental elements) of happiness.
Macronutrients of happiness
As such, life satisfaction is only one ingredient in the broader happiness recipe. Enhancing it is a necessary yet not sufficient condition to experience a greater sense of happiness as defined by Arthur Brooks. In this context, happiness is not a temporary feeling of excitement and thrill. Rather, it is an encompassing state of being rooted in the present moment, not wishing to be somewhere else, and with a heightened sense of each macronutrient. The three macronutrients of happiness according to Brooks are:
Enjoyment: experiencing a sense of pleasure and positive emotions with other people that create memories. As Brooks points out, never do dopamine-releasing activities alone because that can create addiction. True enjoyment stems from creating memories with other people. This refers to hedonistic activities (i.e., inducing pleasure) by nature; such as drinking alcohol and partying, playing video games, etc.
Satisfaction: achieving something with struggle. Satisfaction stems from the temporary psychological “pain” of delayed gratification—the practice of sacrificing the present moment level of pleasure for future benefits. I wrote about this happiness macronutrient extensively in the previous section of this essay. A method to improve satisfaction is reducing “wants” and appreciating “haves”, while also integrating your primary “idol” (pleasure, fame, power, money) into your personality instead of keeping it in the shadow self, which can cause strange reactions to mundane occurrences.
Meaning: the purpose/direction of your life. Contrary to what some may believe, Brooks argues that you cannot find meaning unless you believe in something greater than you, a fundamental purpose you are willing to die for. He proposes two questions to find out if you are having a “meaning crisis” (i.e., a lack of meaning/purpose):
Why are you alive?
For what would you be willing to die today?
Micronutrients of happiness
Once you have internalized and analyzed the three macronutrients of happiness as defined by Brooks, you can move on one layer deeper into the four micronutrients, adding more nuance and detail to the happiness equation:
Faith: believing in something far greater than you — this can help with meaning because it can be a source of feeling grounded in the world and perceiving yourself as a small part of the large ecosystem that is life.
Family: establishing and cultivating solid bonds with your family members can increase the level of enjoyment and meaning in your life because this strengthens your feeling of support and camaraderie in the ups and downs of daily existence.
Friendships: for the same reason as family, strong friendships (even if few) are pivotal supports for a heightened sense of enjoyment and meaning.
Work (in service of others): doing work that is in service of others, that makes you feel a sense of joy because of providing value to other individuals, can enhance your sense of meaning and gratitude for what you have.
3. Rituals to cultivate happi(er)ness
Everything written until now is conceptual and based on principles that can guide you in deciding what to do in your daily life, and how to do it. Below are three practical tactics that can help you cultivate a greater sense of well-being as you navigate the mind-made turbulences of life.
The reverse bucket list
Instead of writing down or dreaming about the items on your bucket list (what you would like to achieve and experience in the future), keep track of what you already have experienced or achieved until now. Write down those stories and revisit them regularly. Allow a sense of appreciation and gratitude to fill your consciousness, which increases your fondness for what you currently have.
This is a similar concept to storyworthy by Matthew Dicks, where the author encourages us to write up a bank of story-worthy moments as a library of stories in our life. At the end of the day every day, write a few sentences about what you already have, or a story about what happened on that day, allowing yourself to feel whatever arises in consciousness during that time. Over time, this can become a habit that shifts your base level of gratitude upwards.
The failure list
A Failure List is a track record of all the failures you encounter during your life. As Brooks suggests, write about the stories of your failures. Write about them in vivid detail, and set future reminders to revisit the failure story and reflect on how things have turned out. This exercise, Brooks argues, can help you gain perspective on your life, and figure out by yourself that what seems like failure at the outset often turns out to be helpful or valuable events later in life. They can be turning points to positive change, ramps to new positive opportunities, or much-needed change, when looked at in retrospect.
I am not sure how we can define failure and notice it vividly at the moment it arises since the intensity of failure and its degree of clarity in hectic daily life can easily go unnoticed. As a helpful mental model, you may consider failure an event that stirs a significant negative emotion within yourself, characterized by distorted thoughts such as magnification, disassociation, or a strong sense of anger and disappointment.
Premeditatio mori (negative visualization)
In truth, many of us are living life pressed against its canvas and lamenting for feeling a sense of inadequacy and unsatisfactoriness. When pressed against the canvas, we can’t distinguish the elements of the painting vividly. Our nose is splashed against the veiled paper, and we don’t seem to notice it at all or even bother considering our position toward the canvas. A few centimeters back, and the painting may start to take shape. A few more steps back, and it may start to make sense all along.
Negative visualization is an exercise in metaphorically stepping back to gain perspective, with Greek origins and rooted in Stoic philosophy. It consists of thinking about what could go wrong, and your death, not in an anxious-ridden manner, but with intentional exposure to build a greater sense of equanimity (i.e., mindful resilience amid any circumstance).
4. Unresolved questions/faqs & Conclusion
It is merely another day. You follow the usual daily rituals, one at a time. This is your life, and you are content with it, taking full responsibility for your choices and behaviors.
While writing this piece, I noticed some possible counterarguments and unresolved questions within myself that may be worth addressing. Here is a list.
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Yes and no. Yes, because what matters the most in any moment is the actions and decisions you make. Reading and ruminating on how you can increase your life satisfaction while not taking any action is useless philosophizing about life without doing anything with the knowledge. This can also be fine if you merely find joy in abstract concepts and knowledge acquisition. It can also become a trap because of the recursive and morbid nature that thoughts and thinking can take.
No, because when you know the principles and concepts behind a specific area of life you want to enhance, you are empowered with the choice of action. You can see new avenues opening up for you, and decide to pursue certain paths you did not know even existed before.
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That may be the case. On one hand, meaning is nothing but yet another human-made concept, likely just another attempt to cling to an idea to reduce unsatisfactoriness and attempt to feel better (more positive emotions).
On the other hand, it can be helpful for some depending on the circumstances of life around them. Some people resonate with the notion of seeking meaning and purpose as the North Stars guiding their everyday decisions, possibly for the same reason mentioned above: to soothe their feeling of existential instability in the black box of daily existence and human consciousness.
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